Turning Point

I feel like I've reached some sort of cross roads in my life. For the first time in my 25 years I am no longer involved heavily with my church. I am done mostly with school and as of right now I have absolutely no concrete plans. Part of the reason I took two years off was to avoid having to decide what to do. I absolutely don't regret those two years but now that I am facing an uncertain future, its not as scary as I thought it would be. 

My decision to move home hasn't been awful at all. For the first time in... ever I am just going with the flow of things. I could stand to be a bit more productive but I'm not wasting my entire time. I went to California, I've been hanging out with my sister an her kids. I've finally started running again. Even though I still think about my plans for the future the urge to always have a certain path carved out has begun to disipate.  

Growing

When there is something that I believe in I can be quite passionate about it. I don't know if very many people know that about me. I have spent a majority of my life trying not to make waves. I think that I have reached a point where that is no longer going to work for me. 

Recently I have been reading this book called "Do Justice" it is a compilation of Adventist authors talking about the churches mission when it comes to Justice, several of the essays so far have referenced the beatitudes. You know the chapter that talks about blessed are the meek, humble etc. 

How many of us live this out in our daily lives? I know that I struggle to. I find myself judging people all the time. 

You know what else pisses me off. When I'm sitting up late at night flipping through channels and I come across these preachers the one in particular that I saw this week was Peter Popoff. he's this guy who has been on television for years advertising for miracle water saying God is going to "bless" you if you "donate" a certain amount of money when they send this water out to your house. "I got 65,000 dollars" one person on the commercial claims. On the news recently there is another Pastor whose networth is over 20 million Creflow cash dollar. (No joke that's his real name) Is online begging his constituents from around the world to donate money for a billion dollar plane. Is that necessary? Is this the type of Christianity I want to attach myself to? I think that it is important for me to acknowledge the entire church isn't like this. I know that the christian church around the world is doing and has done great things around the world. I'm thankful to have been brought up in a christian home.

My struggle is that I don't think that I am doing enough in my own life to contribute to society.

It's Clean on the Outside

I enjoy the feeling I have when I'm done cleaning. Today was the first time in about three weeks that I have taken the time to stay at home for the day to organize things around the house. My roommates and I have a chore wheel and I am about four chores behind. Anyway after a morning of watching TV I took about 45 minutes to straighten things up a bit. As I was cleaning I starting thinking about how easy it is for me to clean the communal area's even though it takes a little bit of effort every day to keep things organized, I can handle that. My mind then wandered to what my room looks like... to say the least I have never gotten the hang of keeping everything organized. I remember my Mom saying "cleanliness is next to godliness." 

Audre Lorde

A few months ago, a friend of mind introduced me to this women. Several decades buried. Her poetry, her voice speaks to me.

I love her story, her voice and experiences speak to me like nothing has in a very long time. Warrior Poet.

This is how I have been feeling recently. Like, I see things I understand the truth of what is ruminating underneath the words that people say.

26

I turned 26. The last few strings of parental support were finally cut, I am now responsible for my own insurance. I know I am growing up I can feel it. I cook now, I save money. That itch to wonder the world is still there but the realization that if I want to ever be financially stable I probably should stick it out in one city for more than a few months. And for the first time ever I believe I'm okay with that.

After five months, GR is starting to feel like home. I was talking to a friend the other day and I said "I could see my self staying here for awhile." I like my job. Eastown has the tea shops, coffee, and yoga. What more could I ask for?

Art Prize 2015

Grand Rapids

I'm heading to Grand Rapids tomorrow. The familiar feeling of nervousness and anticipation that I get when I'm moving somewhere new is here again. As I type this out clothes and suitcases are scattered around my room.

These last four months have been an Adventure and the journey that led me to this point has been interesting. I'm glad that I waited patiently and this opportunity presented itself. I like traveling and Adventure but I have decided that I'm going to stay in Grand Rapids for awhile. I'm going to get an apartment, and get a savings account.

Me staring into the future with great anticipation. :)

What am I doing??????

Well I got that internship. After the excitement of actually getting this great opportunity wore off,  I started to think about all the things that I have to do and how scary it is to be moving to a new city where I don't know anyone.

I have only worked for Adventists this Internship is at a mainstream hospital. There have been a few times this week where I have thought what am I doing? Am I going to regret moving once again away from family and close friends? 

I don't think I will but the fear of the unknown is setting in. I hope that I like where I'm going to be living. I hope I learn a lot and that this experience whether good or bad will help shape me into a more confident adult. 

I don't feel like an Adult... 

Will I ever feel like I'm confident in my decisions. Will I ever feel grounded? I feel like at this point in my life that everything is constantly shifting. Sometimes it's exciting but most of the time its just terrifying.