Monday, June 24, 2013
Adieu
Tonight is my very last night here at Upper Columbia Academy. Overall it has been a wonderful year I am so glad I have had this opportunity to work at this school. Usually when I look back I regret not doing things but this time I can say I did my very best and I grew into a better person for being here. Now as I close another chapter of my life I wonder what the future holds for me. Time will tell.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Pondering
Yesterday I had a realization. I was lying on my bed thinking about how this was the very last day of the school year and how quickly it has gone by. I remember being scared thinking about driving across the country in my trusty Toyota. I remember constantly wondering about how I would be accepted here, would I have friends, would I be able to make a difference, would the girls like me? Even though I was nervous I knew from the very beginning that this was the place that God wanted me to be. Deciding to go to UCA was the first decision that I made after a long hiatus from all things God related.
2011-2012 year at Andrews I had become a recluse, going only where I was required to go, attending events I was required to be at, it was self-imposed loneliness. I pretty much hung-out in my apartment if I wasn't in class. I'm sure my roommate at times thought I was crazy. One of the Assistant Deans at Andrews Dorm had died I don't know why it impacted me so greatly I barely knew her but it gave me another reason to be angry/frustrated with God. Why would he let someone so young and Christ centered be killed? Life snuffed out before she could reach her full potential it was a devastating blow to so many.
Last summer I had a lot of time to think. The entire summer I struggled to have faith in God and to let go of my anger, my uncertainties of the future. What I learned last summer was to not to rely so much on how I'm feeling about things but to simply trust that God has things under control, constantly praying and clinging to what little shred of faith that you have.
To make a long, complicated story short around the beginning of July I had a wonderful conversation with the Dean here at UCA and almost immediately I felt God calling me here. August I drove across the country with a friend and here I am. :)
Back to my realization.
This year is the first time that I have had the opportunity to focus on other things besides school and I absolutely Love it. I will admit first semester working here was rough I'm a friendly person but it took awhile for me to feel like I really was apart of the community here. I didn't feel like I was very confident as a Dean here, I felt incompetent at my Job. I know that I still have a lot to learn but in the last several months I feel like I'm not as dumb as I first thought.
Oh my! I am just going off in so many different directions. :) Here is what my realization was! I am not the same person that I was a year ago! In the past I have set up high walls in circling my heart I have always ever since I can remember had this strong independent I'm perfectly fine by myself type of attitude and yesterday not sure exactly what happened but it came to mind that those walls have crumbled and I didn't even notice. I don't feel as intimidated by others. I am running! I did a 5k, for over 3 years i have wanted to do it and with some encouragement I finally did it. I am open to discovering new things, places, people. Last year I would talk about it but I would never do it. The difference between Kendra last year and Kendra this year is that the new me is actually jumping into life. From running, to photography, reading, my relationship with God, (I even look at the clouds differently).
Don't get me wrong I get sad sometimes, I worry still, I am still intimidated, I still worry about looking like an idiot. But I am also more of a doer then just talking about stuff and never accomplishing anything.
I feel way more alive this year than last, I don't want to go back to who I was before.
2011-2012 year at Andrews I had become a recluse, going only where I was required to go, attending events I was required to be at, it was self-imposed loneliness. I pretty much hung-out in my apartment if I wasn't in class. I'm sure my roommate at times thought I was crazy. One of the Assistant Deans at Andrews Dorm had died I don't know why it impacted me so greatly I barely knew her but it gave me another reason to be angry/frustrated with God. Why would he let someone so young and Christ centered be killed? Life snuffed out before she could reach her full potential it was a devastating blow to so many.
Last summer I had a lot of time to think. The entire summer I struggled to have faith in God and to let go of my anger, my uncertainties of the future. What I learned last summer was to not to rely so much on how I'm feeling about things but to simply trust that God has things under control, constantly praying and clinging to what little shred of faith that you have.
To make a long, complicated story short around the beginning of July I had a wonderful conversation with the Dean here at UCA and almost immediately I felt God calling me here. August I drove across the country with a friend and here I am. :)
Back to my realization.
This year is the first time that I have had the opportunity to focus on other things besides school and I absolutely Love it. I will admit first semester working here was rough I'm a friendly person but it took awhile for me to feel like I really was apart of the community here. I didn't feel like I was very confident as a Dean here, I felt incompetent at my Job. I know that I still have a lot to learn but in the last several months I feel like I'm not as dumb as I first thought.
Oh my! I am just going off in so many different directions. :) Here is what my realization was! I am not the same person that I was a year ago! In the past I have set up high walls in circling my heart I have always ever since I can remember had this strong independent I'm perfectly fine by myself type of attitude and yesterday not sure exactly what happened but it came to mind that those walls have crumbled and I didn't even notice. I don't feel as intimidated by others. I am running! I did a 5k, for over 3 years i have wanted to do it and with some encouragement I finally did it. I am open to discovering new things, places, people. Last year I would talk about it but I would never do it. The difference between Kendra last year and Kendra this year is that the new me is actually jumping into life. From running, to photography, reading, my relationship with God, (I even look at the clouds differently).
Don't get me wrong I get sad sometimes, I worry still, I am still intimidated, I still worry about looking like an idiot. But I am also more of a doer then just talking about stuff and never accomplishing anything.
I feel way more alive this year than last, I don't want to go back to who I was before.
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