I wish I cared less.

When I care, I care too much.

 I become consumed, and I can't focus.

The things that others don't give a second thought to I let run my life.

I'm worried about the future, I'm worried that I'm going to fall back into the old pattern of things.

What if life gets dark and shadowy again like it was last year?

What if I forget my purpose?

What if I forget God again?

Once again its time to move.

I'm ready to settle down.

All I can say is that Zack had the right perspective about life. 

Song of the Week

Young and Beautiful

           Last Tuesday I went and saw the Great Gatsby I had been waiting for this to come out since Christmas. The movie was good,I had hyped it up in my mind, so I can't deny I was a little disappointed but overall the movie was what I had expected it to be. What I absolutely loved was the music, the song above is just one example of some of the great songs included on the soundtrack. I had no idea I liked Lana del Rey until I heard this song. This song is just plain beautiful I could listen to it on repeat for hours (which I did for a few days last week). Sometimes a feeling cannot be described in words it can only be expressed in the music this song did that for me last week, the sound, the feeling of the song just fit my mood to perfection.

So the song of the week for me last week was Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey.

Do yourself a favor and listen to it. 

I am on week four of my running program and I cannot seem to get the energy to conquer this week, the first couple of weeks were pretty easy. I don't know if its a mental thing, a health thing, or what but I am stuck. By no means am I giving up but it is disheartening to plan an awesome workout and when you actually get into it you know that you are not able to complete it.

Friday I realized that one thing that can motivate me is the fact that if I'm angry I can gather the courage to finish the program I did far better on Wednesday when I ran than I did today. For the next three weeks I am going to try to overhaul my diet and focus a little more on the things that I eat. I am going to start logging everything that I eat in some sort of food journal. I'm also going to try to start eating breakfast again, in march I was doing wonderful with that but into April I suddenly quit. I also know that I am not drinking enough water. So Goals for the rest of May:

1. Log the foods I eat
2. Drink 8 glasses of water Everyday
3. Eat Breakfast on a more regular basis
4. Include Strength training in my workouts
5. Complete week four of the couch to 5k by next Sunday.

I think that with these new goals I will be able to provide my body with the fuel it needs to run and be decent at it. I really want to be able to do the Iron Girl in September of this year!

Now I will need to find an app that I can log my meals in.

Did a photo shoot with some task-force friends I think this one turned out all right. :)

Today was good

I went outside again tonight. I want to sleep out there, I'm scared though one of the RA's told me she can hear coyotes. Maybe I'll get Sharyn to come with me. I cannot believe it has taken me this long to go outside at night, its super relaxing and I can talk to God without interruption. It kind of reminds me of when Jesus went out into the mountains to pray, I'm sorta doing the same thing except I'm going out into the wheat fields to pray/listen to Gungor while looking at the stars.

Today was an okay day I did Nike training club and I sweated quite a bit. (By a little I mean a lot it was disgusting)  I keep telling myself that I need to make a set schedule so that I can be more consistent, I need to add cross training to my workout program. I want to be a faster runner and my goal for my next 5k is to run it in under 35 minutes last one it was 42 minutes. I want to be able to run it straight with out stopping. I have just about 2 weeks to decide which 5k I'm going to do in June. I would love to do the color run but I'm not sure if I will be able to afford it.

You know what I've been doing these last couple of weeks since I've started training to be a real runner?  Putting myself down, other people are super encouraging but I am always thinking "oh if  I had put forth more effort I totally could have done the whole thing instead of stopping before my app told me I could walk again" or " stop saying you are running when your pace obviously shows you are walking fast at best".

This is what I need to tell myself instead: Kendra! You are amazing you have come so far from just sitting around and watching TV all day long to making yourself workout on a regular basis. Having to stop and walk is not all that bad and if you stick with this you will be able to run it eventually. So stop putting yourself down so much.

Yep, that's whats on my mind today.

Gods Love For Man

Tonight is Friday, Sabbath, around 10:50 ish I decided that I wasn't tired so I would go for a walk on campus. Normally I wouldn't go this late but earlier I had been outside for a second and it was just so darn beautiful.

First I went outside and walked without any shoes to the campus swing set and listened to Gungor "Let there be" and looked up at the partly clouded sky. It was wonderful.

After I got tired of that I decided to go up into the football field and stare at the sky there. The grass felt soft and wonderful underneath my feet.  I ran into two people house sitting for there parents, spoke with them for awhile and after a short conversation we parted ways and I walked towards the end of the field and just sat and looked up at the stars. I don't know how to describe it, I have not had a worship experience like this in awhile.

It wasn't deeply emotional or moving or anything I just knew God was there, I could feel his presence. God's Love for man is so great!  We would like to place him in a convenient part of lives where bringing him up in conversation is a nice thing to talk about. If we would just allow him to consume our entire lives there would not be regret in that decision.

I have grown up in the church, I have been a baptized member for 15 of those and I am just beginning to understand what it means to commit. I still struggle with this on a daily basis making time and surrendering my future to him is a constant battle. 

I want be a witness to others, I don't want my issues to over shadow the purpose God has for me.

Nights like this make it clear that I have made the right choice in letting God lead, in him I have total peace.

Growing up I memorized these verses, the whole time I was staring into that starry sky these words were going through my mind.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
² Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
³ They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
⁴ Yet their voice^[b] goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.
Psalms 19:1-4